the_shrubbery | Much Ado About Sandcastles III (Reply)

Caroline, wrapped in one of Georgiana’s cardies, sat on a chair in a corner of the patio and looked grimly at Colin, who was turning sausages and burgers on the barbecue.

‘Dear Lord, what is that?’ she asked with a wrinkled nose. ‘It smells disgusting. Did you buy it from a knacker?’

‘It’s baby seal,’ Colin said. ‘It’s all the rage now with the New York housewives. Shouldn’t you know that, seeing as you cater to frustrated women all over the country?’

‘Baby seal, eh?’ Caroline said. ‘I suppose being all macho, you clubbed it to death personally? Well, lucky for you it was a baby, otherwise it probably would’ve clubbed you, and what a shame that would have been.’

She turned and saw James, his eyes frozen in shock, coming out on the patio. He was holding a large, stuffed toy that, Caroline now realised, was a baby seal.

‘Is that really baby seal?’ he asked, lip trembling.

‘Oh, sweetheart, no, it isn’t,’ Caroline said.

In spite of the lingering sickness in her stomach, she quickly got out of her chair and crouched on the ground in front of him.

‘Of course not,’ she said. ‘It’s sausage. Your uncle was only trying to make a very stupid joke, weren’t you, Colin?’

‘It’s not baby seal?’

‘No, no, sweetheart,’ Caroline reassured him.

She lead him over to the barbecue.

‘See? Just good old bangers,’ she said. ‘Uh, I think I have to sit down again. Do you think you could ask your aunt to make me another tea?’

James nodded and quickly made his way back into the house.

‘Are you still not well?’ Colin asked. ‘You don’t look too good, to tell you the truth.’

‘Don’t worry, seasickness is not contagious,’ Caroline snapped, ‘unlike, I suppose, many other things that women around you probably are bound to catch.’

‘What’s up with your sister?’ Emma asked Elizabeth later. She was helping Elizabeth scooping vanilla and chocolate pudding for the children’s desserts.

‘Jane?’ Elizabeth asked frowning. ‘No chocolate in that one, Anne doesn’t like it. What’s the matter with Jane?’

‘Not Jane,’ Emma said. ‘No chocolate? How odd. No, I meant your other sister, Caroline.’

‘Oh, she’s not my sister,’ Elizabeth said. ‘She’s Jane’s sister-in-law. Actually, Anne’s never liked chocolate much. I think Caroline’s just sea-sick.’

‘Poor girl,’ Emma said. ‘So Caroline’s not your sister – that means Colin is your brother, right? Shall I give Anne an extra scoop of the vanilla?’

‘Yes, do,’ Elizabeth said. ‘No, Colin’s my husband’s cousin – what makes you think he’s my brother?’

‘I just thought -’ Emma said, then paused. ‘Oh! They aren’t married?’

‘Who?’ Elizabeth asked, confused.

‘Colin and Caroline,’ Emma said. ‘I just assumed -’

‘Colin and Caroline?’ Elizabeth asked. ‘God, no! I’ve got some ice-waffles, do you think your children would like some? What made you think they were married?’

‘Oh, absolutely,’ Emma said. ‘I don’t know, they just – there seemed to be something between them.’

‘No waffles for Andy, please, he’ll just spit them out,’ Jane said. She had entered the kitchen without either of them noticing.

‘I know,’ Elizabeth said. ‘See, his bowl is ready here.’

‘Great, thanks,’ Jane said. ‘I really don’t fancy cleaning him up again. Shall I take some more bowls?’

She picked up another bowl and made to leave again.

‘Oh, Jane,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Emma here is of the same opinion as you where Colin and Caroline are concerned.’

‘See, I told you, Lizzy,’ Jane said. ‘They’d be great together.’

‘Now, I didn’t say that,’ Emma said. ‘I just said that there seems to be something between them.’

‘Well, they do have a past,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Sort of.’

‘Who has?’ Georgiana asked. ‘Lizzy, is some of that vanilla stuff left or is that just for the kids?’

‘Must you all sneak up on me?’ Elizabeth asked. ‘Help yourself, your boyfriend bought the stuff in abundance.’

‘He knows what’s good for him,’ Georgiana said. ‘Who’s got sort of a past?’

‘Colin and Caroline of course,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Didn’t you tell me all the sordid details yourself?’

‘I would so love to hear them,’ Emma said. ‘But I’ll be a good girl and not prey.’

She sighed.

‘Ah, it’s more a tale of missed opportunities and unclear intentions,’ Georgiana said. ‘Plus, a lot of wine. I tell you, it was ugly.’

‘Ah, shame,’ Emma said. ‘Then they probably won’t want to renew whatever it was now.’

‘Hm, I wouldn’t say that,’ Georgiana said. ‘Now I think about it … it would be an idea.’

‘You’re all three crazy,’ Elizabeth said. ‘But please, do keep on plotting. Don’t mind me, I’ll go feed the hungry herd all on my own.’

‘Elizabeth,’ Fitzwilliam whispered, much later, when the house had gone quiet and his wife was half asleep next to him.

‘Hmm?’

‘How exactly did you meet this Emma?’

‘I told you,’ Elizabeth muttered. ‘She came here with Henry. He’d gotten into their garden.’

‘So you didn’t know her before?’

Elizabeth groaned, then turned around so she was facing her husband.

‘No, I just met her today. Must we discuss this now?’

‘No, no, of course not,’ Fitzwilliam said. ‘Sorry.’

Elizabeth groaned again and turned back on her other side.

‘Only -’

‘Yes?’

‘Well, isn’t that a bit – you know – risky? I mean, with the children and all? If we don’t properly know them?’

Elizabeth rolled over once more.

‘Sweetheart,’ she said, placing a hand on her husband’s cheek. ‘You liked George well enough when you talked to him, didn’t you?’

‘Yes, pleasant guy. Nice to talk to. I helped him unload his car earlier.’

‘And Emma did strike you as a sensible woman, didn’t she?’

‘Yes, quite,’ her husband admitted. ‘The accent’s a bit grating, but otherwise -’

‘And the children were sweet and well-behaved, weren’t they, and got along well with our brood, wouldn’t you say so?’

Fitzwilliam had to admit that she was right once more.

‘So there,’ Elizabeth said. ‘There’s nothing suspicious about them, and let’s face it, the children would have met and played in the street anyway. Better that we met the parents beforehand, wouldn’t you think so?’

‘You’re right,’ Fitzwilliam admitted.

‘I always am, sweetheart,’ Elizabeth muttered. ‘And anyway, Jane and I already arranged with Emma that we’d meet them on the beach tomorrow.’

‘So you like this Emma woman then?’ Fitzwilliam asked.

‘I do, yes,’ Elizabeth said. ‘And Jane and Georgiana hit it off very well with her too. Now they’ve got it in their heads that -’

She paused and Fitzwilliam felt her shifting under the covers.

‘What?’

‘Oh, nothing,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Stupid idea of them really, wanting to play matchmaker for Caroline when I’m sure Caroline -’

‘Must we talk about Caroline now?’ Fitzwilliam asked.

‘No, sorry,’ Elizabeth said and moved a little closer to him.

Her husband placed an arm around her shoulders and brushed a kiss on her nose.

‘I’m sorry I woke you just so I could fret,’ he muttered in her hair. ‘Go back to sleep.’

‘Actually, sweetheart,’ Elizabeth said, ‘I’m rather awake now.’

‘I’m cycling into the town today,’ Caroline announced the next morning over breakfast. ‘Well, town may be a bit much, but it seems that there is sort of an urban area in the centre of the island.’

‘You do know that there won’t be no Harrods there, do you?’ Colin asked. ‘Probably not even an M&S, not that you would consider that worthy of your notice.’

‘In the interest of furthering your knowledge about normal women,’ Caroline said, ‘M&S do a line of very sturdy and affordable knickers – but since there is, you know, actual fabric on them, I doubt you’ll ever have seen them in action.’

‘Funny, I had no idea that sturdiness was what you looked for in your knickers,’ Colin said. ‘I wonder why it is that particular quality that -’

‘Pas devant des enfants,’ Elizabeth hissed, then, turning to Caroline, asked, ‘why do you need to go to town? Is there anything you need?’

‘Earplugs,’ Caroline said, giving Anne and Jenna a pointed glance.

Both girls giggled.

‘And I want to find out if there is an internet café there,’ Caroline added. ‘Or any place that has an internet connection, really.’

‘Funny, I’d never thought you to be the type that hangs out in front of screens all the time,’ Colin said. ‘Isn’t that very bad for the complexion?’

‘You’d know,’ Caroline said. ‘I’ve been meaning to ask you, is it true that there are women who, for a certain amount of money, will engage in all sorts of sordid behaviour while on-line? I figured, if anyone would know, it would be you.’

‘I could now make a remark about you looking for a new line of work,’ Colin said, ‘but you must know that if you offer too easy a bait, I will not bite.’

‘No, really?’ Caroline retorted. ‘I’d always had the impression that the easier the bait, the better, was your personal motto.’

‘Ah, now, in the light of recent implications made about your undergarments -’

‘Je l’ai dit, pas devant des enfants,’ Elizabeth hissed. ‘Go outside if you need to give in to any impulses; otherwise, cut that sort of remark.’

‘Why do you need an internet café?’ Jane asked quickly.

‘If I find one,’ Caroline said, ‘I can send an email to my office that I’ll be able to make the deadlines for my column.’

Colin opened his mouth, but Elizabeth jumped in before he could say anything.

‘What do they do if you can’t make it?’

‘Oh, I’ve prepared some in advance,’ Caroline said, ‘but I’ve been asked to do some with a vacation-angle – with a juicy bonus on the horizon if I can make it happen.’

Charles sat on the sofa in the living-room and was generously rubbing sun-tan lotion onto his feet. Fitzwilliam filled Henry’s water bowl in the kitchen and then sunk into an armchair opposite Charles.

‘Where were you?’ Charles asked. ‘You wanted to take a quick walk before breakfast and you were gone for almost an hour.’

‘I lost my way, alright?’ Fitzwilliam mumbled. ‘Stupid signposts.’

‘You lost your -’

Charles caught the meaning of Fitzwilliam’s furrowed brows.

‘Alright, I won’t mention it again.’

‘Where is everybody? Did I miss anything?’ Fitzwilliam asked. ‘Where’s Elizabeth?’

‘Elizabeth is getting your children ready for the beach,’ Charles said. ‘She’s none too happy about your absence, if I may add. Jane’s packing her beach-bag, or whatever it is. Georgiana and Mark have already left, I think for the beach. Colin’s gone, no idea where. Caroline’s left on a bike for the town centre.’

‘So, it’s only you, me, Jane and Elizabeth going to the beach?’

‘The kids, too, in case you have forgotten,’ Charles said. ‘And apparently Emma and George from next door are coming too. Awful clever fellow, that George. I think he writes real books. Don’t tell him about Dino the Rhino.’

‘I won’t,’ Fitzwilliam said. ‘Is my wife very angry?’

‘Uh-huh,’ Charles said. ‘But I’m not sure if she’s more angry with you, or Colin and Caroline. They, err, misbehaved at breakfast. Elizabeth had to intervene. She, uh, spoke French.’

Fitzwilliam winced.

‘That bad?’

‘Apparently so,’ Charles said. ‘She seemed to think the conversation was not fit for the children’s ears. I didn’t catch all of it, but apparently they were discussing Caroline’s underwear -’

‘I say, Charles, have you ever talked to Caroline about -’

He was interrupted by the voice of his wife calling from the bedroom.

‘Is that you, Fitz? Have you finally found the time to crawl back to your wife and children?’

Fitzwilliam winced again.

‘I’d better go and apologise,’ he said.

Georgiana was pretty sure that the giant yellow umbrella she could espy in the distance was hers; which would mean that at least a part of her family was to be found there. Deciding to take a break from surfing, she informed her boyfriend, secured her board and made her way over to the giant umbrella, where, sure enough, she found Elizabeth, Jane and Emma, together with their youngest children, the women settled on towels and collapsible beach chairs, the kids sleeping in the tent behind them. Henry was tied to the pole of the umbrella and snoring loudly.

‘- really nasty cramps,’ Emma was saying. ‘Much worse than before, actually. I always thought that nursing would prevent it, but -’

‘Oh, no, it was the same for me,’ Jane interjected. ‘Back to normal after six months, even though I was nursing, and -’

‘After the twins, I couldn’t get back to a normal rhythm for ages,’ Elizabeth said, ‘it was really annoying, especially seeing as we actually wanted more, and there was no predicting when -’

‘It was just the opposite for me after I had had Robbie,’ Emma said. ‘I thought I was safe, because I was still nursing and Robbie wasn’t a year yet, and the next thing I knew, the doctor was congratulating me. George was beside himself with joy of course -’

‘I bet you could’ve strangled him,’ Jane said.

‘Oh, I was that close to it,’ Emma said. ‘I mean, I was just at that stage where I was beginning to feel normal again -’

‘Men,’ Elizabeth snorted. ‘Fitzwilliam thought that as soon as I was out of the hospital, I’d be the same as I was nine months before -’

‘If you are discussing what I think you are discussing,’ Georgiana said, ‘I don’t want to hear anything of it; especially not if my brother is involved.’

‘Your brother is no different from other men,’ Elizabeth said.

‘And on the whole, men are, well -’

Jane apparently did not quite know how to finish that and in the end, settled for, ‘different from women.’

‘Funny, I had noticed that,’ Georgiana said. ‘Is it really true that the difference in equipment has something to do with babies? Some of the girls at school said so, but it sounded too weird for me to believe it.’

She reached for one of the spare towels and unfolded another chair.

‘No, it’s because men are from Mars and women are from Venus,’ Emma said. ‘Is my son still sleeping?’

Jane peeked into the tent.

‘Like a log,’ she said. ‘All three of them. Quite cute, actually.’

‘Where’s the rest?’ Georgiana asked.

‘Flying kites with their dads,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Or so they said. Probably eating junk-food by now.’

‘Speaking of men and women,’ Emma said, ‘any news about our two lovebirds?’

Elizabeth groaned.

‘Don’t ask,’ she said. ‘They were at each other’s throats all over the breakfast table this morning.’

‘Why, what happened?’ Emma asked.

Jane giggled.

‘They began discussing Caroline’s knickers,’ Georgiana said.

‘Okay, now I have to be a bad girl and prey,’ Emma said. ‘They did what?’

Georgiana summarised the discussion for her.

Elizabeth snorted again.

‘I’m certainly not opposed to them having a little fling,’ she said. ‘I mean, there’s nothing wrong with having a bit of fun. But that is just ridiculous. They’re behaving like teenagers.’

Emma giggled.

‘I find that I must retract my statements from last night,’ Elizabeth continued. ‘There is something other at work than pure jerkism -’

‘True love,’ Georgiana said and sighed exaggeratedly.

‘True love was not what I had in mind,’ Elizabeth said. ‘It was more along the lines of – now how do I express this in a way that does not shock my innocent young sister-in-law?’

‘You’re too cynical,’ Jane said. ‘What if they really are in love – or at least if there is a possibility that they could fall in love?’

‘And they’ll never find out if they don’t admit it to themselves,’ Emma said. ‘Now that would be sad.’

‘Maybe they’d just need to talk about it,’ Jane suggested. ‘If they were faced with what our impression is -’

‘Ha!’ Elizabeth said. ‘Good luck with telling Caroline you think she’s secretly in love with Colin, and by the way, you’ve told him just that. Do I get your tape of Much Ado after your unfortunate demise?’

Georgiana jumped up.

‘That’s it!’ she said.

‘That’s what?’ Elizabeth asked. ‘I was only joking!’

‘No, we’re going to give them the full Benedick-and-Beatrice treatment,’ Georgiana said.

‘That is -’ Elizabeth began.

‘- unusual,’ Emma finished for her.

‘Yes, but it works,’ Georgiana said. ‘I mean, look at Shakespeare. He knew what he was writing about. And if they choose not to act on it, they can simply ignore what they know about the other.’

‘I’m game,’ Emma said. ‘It sounds like fun.’

‘I don’t know,’ Jane said. ‘I mean, if they really only need a nudge – I wouldn’t want to be in their way -’

‘Nudge is a very interesting way of saying what they need,’ Elizabeth said.

‘Are you game or not?’ Emma asked.

‘I’ll give you one try,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Just one. If that doesn’t work, we’ll leave it be.’

‘I can live with that,’ Georgiana said. ‘Because it will work, I know.’

‘So all we need to do is talk about how Colin loves Caroline while she’s listening in?’ Jane said. ‘That doesn’t sound too bad.’

‘Yes, but what about Colin?’ Emma said. ‘Do you think Fitzwilliam could drop a hint to him -’

‘No, no,’ Elizabeth said. ‘Fitz would never tell Colin anything like that -’

‘Anything like what?’

Elizabeth turned around and her face flushed bright red.

‘Fitz!’ she said. ‘I didn’t hear you coming. Where are the kids?’

‘Just behind me,’ Fitzwilliam said. ‘Charles insisted on buying them ice-cream. They’re bringing some for Andy and William too.’

‘Oh, no, I told him not to -’ Jane said.

She got up and walked to meet Charles. Elizabeth too rose.

‘What is that?’ Fitzwilliam asked and gestured at her body.

‘We call it a swim-suit,’ Elizabeth said.

‘Yes, but didn’t you use to have one that was – I don’t know – smaller?’

‘Are you saying I look fat?’

‘No – just – it’s a different cut than the other one, isn’t it?’

‘The other one, Fitzwilliam, was a bikini that I wore on our honeymoon,’ Elizabeth said. ‘I don’t know if you noticed, but I gave birth to three little elephants, the last one not even a year ago. I’m not going to wear that bikini again any time in the near future.’

‘This one looks very pretty on you,’ Fitzwilliam said hastily.

Georgiana lazily punched her brother in the calf, the only bit of his body she could reach.