The Caroline Bingley Diaries. Part Two.

[the_shrubbery]

November 29th:

Arrived in town at last. Must confess, am quite happy to be back here. Am sure to have many engagements & nice non-rustic parties. Also, will be able to purchase many fashionable gowns & items. Thought of having to see Georgiana every day quite dreadful though. Also Mr D. no longer staying with us but in his own townhouse with Charles & G. & some Mrs Annesley. Hurst still living with us, unfortunately. Almost managed to forget him in the inn we spent the night but stupid footman noticed his absence when carriage had just begun to move. Will make sure he is fired. Footman, that is. Unfortunately, am not able to fire Hurst. Am quite exhausted. Louisa & I & Mr Darcy had talk with Charles about how he must be careful not to interpret too much into getting along well with Jane & how Jane was not interested in him in. Luckily, were able to convince Charles after only one & half hours & he is now quite resolved to forget her. Must make sure he meets Georgiana often enough.

December 1st:

Decided to put on best orange gown & spend day with Georgiana. Dreaded thought of turning pages but heard Mr D. to be at home all day. Luckily, was interrupted after only 1 hour of turning pages as some friends of Mr D. called. Rather strange couple, always goggling at each other, but very well-behaved & very rich and possessing large property in Surrey. He is much older than she is & she is considered to be very intelligent, though could not see much of that. Have heard she is very charming hostess & invites the crème of the town, so made sure to be very nice towards her. Anyway, conversing with her better than turning pages for Georgiana although some of her stories about how she never was in town before quite boring & Mr D. obviously pleased that I got along so well with her.

December 4th:

Had most vexing conversation with abigail about stain in orange lace gown. Did not know red wine would make such awful stains; in the future, will stay away from Hurst when he drinks wine. Had to wear pink gown because abigail insists all orange ones still wet. Went to see Georgiana only to discover strange couple visiting again & what was more, another couple also there. Both of them very young & seem to have married only last month. He very rich & from very respectable family in the North. Was shocked, though, to hear that she was trained as a governess or something before he married her. Obviously tricked him into marriage. Most annoying thing was both couples seemed to be friends & had lived in same village in Surrey - place of no importance, anyway. Strange wife telling governess how delighted she was all the time & telling her all about life in Surrey village: father staying with someone called Weston - someone called Elton having to sell carriage - someone called Martin to buy said carriage - thought they would never stop. Was shocked to discover that governess considered to be wonderful piano player by strange couple & Georgiana striking up conversation with governess even though she normally does not talk to anyone including self. Have terrible headache now & decided to retire early. Forgot to ask butler what he though Hurst’s first name was.


December 6th:

Did not think spending day with Georgiana could be more boring than turning pages but turns out was wrong. Georgiana conversing with strange wife & all the time telling her Mrs Churchill says this & Mrs Churchill recommends that & Mrs Churchill reckons this piano - almost fell asleep, certainly prefer non-talking Georgiana. Things just got worse when strange wife left for greedy governess came & Georgiana now telling her about visit of strange wife & Mrs Knightley agrees & Mrs Knightley says that. Felt quite left out & Mr Darcy did not turn up all day. Wonder how he means to propose if he never is there. Resolved to leave early & instead of turning pages spent nice afternoon shopping with Louisa & bought very pretty orange & yellow shawl.


December 7th:

Could not stand thought of another day with Georgiana & her new friends & so decided to visit dear Fanny Dashwood instead. Poor dear really had terrible year, she told me, apparently her brother married a horrible, poor & plain girl & now insists on being some sort of parson in the country & her brother Robert also married someone without money though Fanny admits she is very nice. Told her about Charles & Jane & she agreed with me that we did our best for Charles & also advised me not to let him meet her again for at least a year. Told dear Fanny about how Mr D. too shy to propose & she suggested that I should make Louisa throws lots of parties & attend lots of them. Party atmosphere obviously much more proposal-friendly than morning visits. Told dear Fanny about how I did not know Hurst’s first name & she suggested should ask the housekeeper. Felt much better when I left her although had not seen Mr D. all day & spoke to housekeeper as soon as I returned. Housekeeper seemed not to understand me and returned with lock of Mr D.’s hair. Do not know how she came to it but have now total of four curls of his hair. Would prefer the man to his wig.

December 10th:

Went to the milliner’s to discuss lovely new hats (one bright green, one orange, one pink) only to meet strange wife & greedy governess & Georgiana. Strange wife obviously took it into her head that Georgiana needs new hat & gowns so had to say that I would take G. to Mrs Taylor. Will have to go to Mrs Taylor anyway, have heard next season calls for lower waists & anyway need new orange gown as abigail could not do anything against stains in now two orange gowns. Wonder whether should rather order wine-coloured gowns. Must make sure Mrs T. does not mention wedding gowns, though, could give G. wrong idea & probably she would tell her brother & we all know that though he loves me he is too shy to propose at the moment & would probably be intimidated. Went to Fanny afterwards & spent nice afternoon embroidering orange cushions, must say, rather pretty. Told Fanny about G. & Mrs T. & Fanny says probably very good idea, will make Mr D. aware how much I care for his sister.

December 15th:

Louisa had guests for dinner, Mr D. & Charles of course, but unfortunately also the strange couple & the greedy governess & her husband, but also many nice people, dear Fanny & her husband & her mother & Mr & Mrs Robert Ferrars (Fanny is right, Mrs Robert Ferrars very poor, but nice girl, so we all inclined to forgive her) & Cpt. Tilney & Mr & Mrs Willoughby & others. Mrs Robert Ferrars told me how she always thought she fancied Mr Robert Ferrar’s brother, but then discovered that she liked R.F. much better. Wonder whether Mr D. has perhaps brother somewhere hidden, in the army or somewhere? Would have to be older brother, though, otherwise could never marry him. And am quite convinced now Mr D. about to propose, so thoughts about a brother fruitless anyway. Certainly felt Mr D. giving self many significant looks, certainly not to be mistaken for tricks of light. Also, has not mentioned plain girl for a whole week. Wanted to go & speak to him, but unfortunately, Hurst tripped over carpet & spilt wine over my gown. Had to retire immediately & give gown to abigail, was brand-new orange gown with waist cut after latest fashion. Abigail insisted gown had to be soaked at once, so could not return, though am sure Mr D. would not have minded self en deshabillee (or whichever way one spells that).

December 16th:

Abigail told me she could not get stains out of new gown, offered to dye whole gown. Had a little fit when thought about the number of items no-firstname had already destroyed with his drinks (not only three orange gowns this season, but also one pair of orange slippers, one bright green spencer, one pink hat & three handkerchiefs) and started throwing objects. Abigail tried to console me & handed me wrapped object that turned out to be curl from Mr D., fifth this season. Went downstairs only to discover Louisa ordering H. about the hall, making him arrange Christmas decorations. Asked whether she thought not butler more fit for task, but she said it was custom she & H. always liked it very much. Wondered whether could manipulate ladder, causing deadly fall, but could not find saw nor axe. Was in no mood to spend whole day with Georgiana again, so went to dear Fanny instead & abused H. Did not see Mr D. all day & also have headache. Wonder whether should ask cook for rat poison. Not for self, obviously, but H.


December 19th:

Wanted to put on freshly laundered bright yellow morning gown, only to find stain from wine on it. H must have stumbled over laundry basket yesterday while carrying glass of wine. Really do wonder whether he does it on purpose, wanting to destroy all my clothing. Had to put on pale blue gown & looked almost like plain sister, & went to cook to ask after rat poison. Cook smiled brightly & returned with what is now sixth curl of Mr Darcy in my collection. Found rat poison on shelf in store-room when cook went back to pots & pocketed it. Wonder whether should put it in his wine, though, or in his brandy. Am afraid he might offer guests glass of brandy, do not want to risk poisoning of Mr D. Though, in an afterthought, Mr D. has not visited as often as one could wish for. Can only hope he is busy with secret preparations for wedding & getting a special licence.


December 20th:

Went to visit G. this morning & told her how sorry I was to have neglected her so much. G. said not to worry because dear Mrs Knightley & dear Mrs Churchill had spent so much time with her, she had not felt lonely at all. Must confess am slightly alarmed. Only hope neither strange wife nor greedy governess have unmarried sister they wish to throw on poor Mr D. Just my luck, the two of them arrived only five minutes after self, bringing with them their husbands & Mr D. Was of course delighted to see Mr D. again & told him so & also was very friendly to Georgiana’s friends but felt slightly inferior because was wearing pale blue gown again, as no other gown available apart from dark green one. Damage in laundry basket obviously greater than thought before. Only good thing about visit of Georgiana’s friend was they had come to take leave because they are to return to their unimportant village for Christmas in order to celebrate with some people called Weston, Bates & strange wife’s family. Did not wish to hear all the details but really had no choice. Am glad though will be able to spend Christmas only with family & Mr D. & unfortunately H. Slightly worried about lack of Christmas enthusiasm on Mr D’s part but probably due to the weather. Wondered whether we are to celebrate at the Hursts‘, or at Mr D.’s & was slightly confused because nobody asked me about it yet, but was sure everything would turn out all right & anyway had not the time to worry about it as had arranged meeting with Fanny. Wanted to take G. to dear Fanny, but Mr D. said most unfortunately they had to meet some relative, so went to dear Fanny alone & told her about laundry crisis. Fanny agrees situation with H. not bearably at all & tells me that as soon as am engaged must insist on short engagement, really cannot stay with H. any longer.

December 22nd:

Still have not been informed by anyone where I am to spend Christmas. I wonder whether they forgot? Surely, Louisa & H. must celebrate Christmas somewhere & would not want to leave me out. And certainly Charles can not want to spend Christmas without his family. Also, Charles may not want to spend without Georgiana, so probably we are all to spend Christmas with G. & Mr D. Am quite sure this is it. Wonder though why nobody told me. Unless Mr D. asked them not to, in order to arrange surprise for self. Do hope, though, surprise is made of gold & contains diamond & fits my finger. Georgiana got a bust of a composer from him last year. Do not know what the man has in mind when he shops for presents. Am only glad have all mine ready. Very nice hat for Louisa in apricot - will look marvellous on her - new inkstand & new quills for Charles - had them specially made for ‘beginners‘ - very pretty orange embroidered pillow for Georgiana - hope her brother admires it - very large book for Mr D. - do not have a clue what it is about, but the bookseller recommended it - and lovely bottle of brandy & rat poison for H. Can really not believe how inventive I am when it comes to presents.

December 23rd:

Still have not received any invitation for Christmas & am now slightly worried. Surely, Mr D. must realise that I could accept other invitation if he does not invite soon. Maybe he thinks Georgiana did ask, but G. did not because she never talks. Silly girl really. Must visit her first thing in the morning & make sure to drop lots of hints about Christmas party. Was so exhausted from worrying about Christmas party, did not even notice that H. had destroyed yet another gown until abigail pointed it out. Whole Christmas thing definitely most vexing.

December 24th:

Went to Georgiana’s & spent most boring morning there, talking about Christmas celebrations all the time & steering the conversation back on Christmas whenever she wanted to talk about silly composers. Still, only received invitation when Mr D. came home & G. asked him had he remembered to invite me to party & he then invited me. Do wonder why he forgot. Must have been misunderstanding between him & G. how can he be expected to discuss anything with her when the silly girl does not speak? Was forced to spend rest of the morning turning pages for G., who wanted to prepare musical entertainment for Christmas party. Fear that that means will have to turn pages tomorrow again & cannot escape from it as Mr Darcy will be watching all the time. Christmas most tiresome holiday. Came home only to find abigail all in uproar because H. had stumbled into ironing chamber and spilt wine all over new orange Christmas gown. All abigail could do was dye it & now have to wear wine-coloured gown for Christmas & what will Mr D. think about it? Poor girl all in tears, but could not really blame her for ruined gown, knowing H., so told her not to worry & remember to lock ironing room next time she ironed my gowns. Wonder when did I become so soft? Am totally exhausted & wish could spend whole day tomorrow in bed, but must of course go to Christmas party, now that I have invitation.


December 25th:

Most tiresome day, just as expected. Was woken by abigail quite early & feared something terrible had happened to wardrobe again, but was only that abigail wanted to give me present from servants. Received very pretty box from them, exactly the right size to store curls of male hair in them, so put all my six curls in there. Really thoughtful of them & so felt really touched & gave abigail more money than had intended. Really have become soft. Went downstairs only to discover H. had put up mistletoe on entry to breakfast parlour. Asked footman whether Mr D. was anywhere in the building, but he said no, so did not want to risk anything with regard to H. & had to sneak into parlour via servants’ entry. Must say, quite narrow passage. Did not know servants were that small. Luckily, H. did not breakfast with us, as he was sitting in the library having his own more liquid breakfast. Had most delightful morning with Louisa exchanging gifts - turns out Louisa gave me almost exactly the same hat I gave her - most curious how our minds work so much alike. Had great time with dear Louisa trying to imagine what gruesome gifts G. might have in store for us - my guess was sheets of music. Turns out, though, that was wrong. Party at Mr Darcy’s started nice enough, though, but unfortunately, Georgiana then made her entrance. We were all forced to endure piano music, though H. of course not in a state to listen any more & G. forced me to turn pages for what seemed hours but Louisa told me afterwards it was only twenty minutes. Then big exchange of presents started - with the exception of Louisa and me having already exchanged - & it was from that point that things got slightly out of control. Charles pleased enough with his quills, to be sure, & G. smiled & thanked me for the pillow & H. grabbed the bottle I gave him. Then handed Mr D. the present I gave him & he thanked me & said he had always wanted Fordyce’s Sermons in a leather-bound edition, so thought evening might turn out very nice & proposal-friendly after all, especially as H. tried to open bottle & expressed wish to drink rat poison (not knowing it was rat poison, of course). Unfortunately, though, he offered glass to Charles & Mr D. and Mr D. all of a sudden accepted! Was really scared & situation demanded very quick thinking. Only solution that could think of was to stand up very quickly & allow H. to ‘accidentally’ spill brandy all over beautiful though wine-coloured new gown. Had not thought that rat poison was that effective though. Did not only stain gown, but actually burned hole right through it. Was afraid others might notice hole & ask nasty questions about quality of (now all spilt) brandy, so had to grab candle & set gown on fire. Did not realize there was enough brandy on rest of gown to make fire spread rather quickly & suddenly found self on the floor wearing only petticoats & buried under Mr D. Realised, though, that first assumption of Mr D. being overwhelmed by new gown & suddenly detecting burning passion was wrong, was actually burning gown that Mr D. detected. Was a little bit ashamed of self - although sensation of being buried below Mr D. not totally unpleasant & had to ask G. for gown to wear. Went home very soon afterwards, as Louisa thought that I was feeling a bit off & had fallen asleep, allowing whole brandy/candle disaster to happen. H. complaining about good brandy all being lost all the way home, did obviously not realise that brandy would have killed him. It was only in the carriage that found time to have a look at present from G. & Mr D. Had expected something golden to fit finger, but was severely disappointed. Present turned out to be book - that is, set of books. Wonder who ever bothered to read book that contained several volumes. Was some sort of intellectual book called Pride and Prejudice, written by someone called Lady. Nasty, common name. Tried to read first pages, but really could not. Was dreadfully boring about girls desperately looking for a husband. Feel really tired & will probably claim having a headache & stay in bed rest of the week.

December 29th:

Wanted to stay in bed longer but had to get up & go out, abigail told me had only two decent non-dark green morning gowns left after the recent accidents, so had to go to Mrs Taylor’s & ask for new gowns ready by tomorrow. Only positive thing that happened was that met Fanny at Mrs Taylor’s & told her about burning gown accident. Was astonished to learn that Fanny already knew, apparently, Mr D.’s footman had told Mrs Ferrars’ footman, who had told Mrs Robert Ferrars’ footman, who had told Mrs Robert Ferrars, who had told Miss Steele - whoever that is - who had felt free to tell whole city. Did not know all of London was aware that I had set myself on fire in Mr Darcy’s drawing room on Christmas. Realise, now that I write it down, that it is even more dreadful than I imagined. Am convinced whole town will be talking about me by now. Do so wish could leave this wretched place, but cannot, as have not even enough gowns - until tomorrow, that is. Most frustrating thing is that not even Mr D. or G. inquired how I was after fire. Can only think that Mr D. was overwhelmed by seeing me on fire, & embracing me in order to rescue me, & now does not trust himself to come near me again, for fear he will do something to damage my reputation. Still, would be nice if he called, would make me feel situation was not as dreadful as it really is. Do not think I shall ever leave this house again. Except to collect new gowns tomorrow of course. Was so depressed that I ordered all eight of them to be orange, plus one bright yellow one & one bright green one.

December 30th:

A miracle has happened. Will finally be able to leave this place & hopefully not return soon. Went downstairs this morning, still very depressed, both from whole fire/gossip thing & from having to wear dark green gown. Had only got up in order to collect lovely new orange gowns, but not even thought of them could improve my mood. Just in this moment post arrived & could not really believe my luck then. Louisa received letter from friend who lives somewhere in Somersetshire. Do not know this friend, who is, as Louisa told me, several years younger than I am - so must be really very young - but Louisa told me she is very amiable & not at all vulgar. Mother is dead & she lives together with father & sisters. The important point is, this friend invited Louisa & Charles & me & unfortunately Hurst, too, to visit her for some weeks & to return with her to the city in March. Cannot believe I really am to leave this place after all. Am sure nothing better could have happened. Went to say goodbye to dear Fanny after collecting gowns because we are to leave first thing tomorrow. Mr D. probably will recognize his deep regard for self if he does not see me for several weeks, & am quite convinced he will propose in March when he sees me again. Really feel much better now, that I know new year will not begin as total fiasco, instead, shall meet new interesting people & probably be married in May.