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~In the Hotel~


Darcy, "Bingley, what *on earth* are you wearing there?"
Bingley, "well, I thought I'd better get into the traditional costume, and this seems to be as authentic as you can get them ..."
Darcy, "But it looks like a dress! It has an apron! Also - have you waxed your chest?"
Bingley, "Well, yes - it looked a bit odd, otherwise, you see. I mean, I'm not completely happy with how low-cut it is, but I can always tuck my lace in ..."
Caroline, "Oh, for heaven's sake, Charles! That oaf of a valet of yours mixed up the suitcases again. That is *my* dress!"
Bingley *pouts*, "Are you quite sure? Because I do think I have the legs for this, whereas you ... I mean, you look fabulous in your Lederhosen, that is for sure!"

~On the Oktoberfest Itself~

Darcy, "Let me transact the communications with the locals. I do think I shall manage to speak German; after all, I went to Oxford."
Bingley, "Eh, no problem. I know how you hate talking to people and you know, I really crammed some vocabulary. I shall be fine. Here, let me show you!"
*he walks over to unsuspecting Hanni Bentmann*
Bingley, "Entschuldigung, younger Fraeulein. Haben Sie einer Maultaschen for me?"
*Hanni looks at Bingley flabbergasted, chuckles, winks and beckons to Liesl*
Louisa, "What did you say, Charles?"
Bingley *grinning rakishly* "Asked her for a kiss. It's the thing to do in Bavaria. See, she's even bringing some girl for you, Darce."
Caroline *mutters*, "I do not think that is what you said, Charles."
Bingley, "I tell you, I know German. See how pretty those two are?"
*Liesl and Hanni have a whispered conversation*
Darcy, "Bingley, I am not in the mood to get herpes from some Octoberfest floozies who will expect me to buy them beer for outrageous prices before vomiting on my shoes because they can't hold their liquor!"
Bingley, "Shh! They can hear you!"
Darcy, "Please, Charles. As if *anyone* here would understand me."
Hanni *nudging Liesl, to Bingley* „Bitt‘ schön, wos habenS‘g‘rad g‘sagt?“
Bingley, *mouth open* „Eh ...“
Caroline, „I think she wants to know what you just said.“
Hanni, *nods encouraging*
Charles, „Entschuldigung, younger Fraeulein. Haben Sie einer Maultaschen for me und meine friend?“
Liesl *giggles*
Hanni, „A Maultaschn?“
Darcy *groans*
Liesl *sweetly* „Wollts ihr a Watsch‘n hoam?“
Bingley, „Yes! Yes, Watschen!“
Louisa, „What? What are we going to watch? Darcy, what did she say?“
Darcy, „Eh … she must be speaking some dialect, I presume ...“
Bingley, „I think it‘s going really well. I told you, Darcy, I know my way around.“
Darcy, „Yes, now can we please go back to the hotel. I‘m heartily sick of seeing you communicating with the local town tramps in sign language.“
Bingley, „Now, Darcy, I don‘t know that they would be town tramps, I mean, they look pretty nice. The blonde one especially, she‘s an angel -“
Darcy, „Their costumes are very low-cut, and they didn‘t seem to mind your asking them for a kiss at all.“
*Hanni and Liesl are observing this intercourse but don‘t say anything. Liesl whispers something in Hanni‘s ear, whereupon Hanni blushes*
Hanni, *pointing at herself, very clearly* „I bin die Hanni!“
Bingley, „Yes! Yes, Honey!“
Caroline, „I think that‘s her name, Charles!“ *she holds out her hand* „I am Caroline.“
Liesl, *shakes Caroline‘s hand* „Liesl.“
Bingley, *finally catching on* „Charles.“
Hanni, *shaking Charles‘ hand* „Servus, Charles!“
Louisa, „What? What‘s going on?“
Caroline, „Oh – that‘s Louisa -“ *she points at Louisa* „- and that‘s Fitzwilliam -“
Darcy, *groans*
Liesl, „Fitz – william?“
Darcy, „Yes, a very ancient, very respected family name – not to be confused, I beg you, with the kind of family names hereabouts, that come from generations of incest and breeding with barnyard animals – oh, whatever. It‘s not as if you could understand me.“
Caroline *to Liesl* „Just ignore him. He‘s an idiot.“
Liesl, „Ignore? Yes, okay!“
Bingley, *to Hanni* „Möchten Sie einen Bär trinken, Honey?“
Hanni, „Bär?“
Bingley, *mimes drinking* „Einer Bär! Bär!“
Liesl, *to Hanni*, „I glaub‘, der will a Bier trink‘n geh‘n mit dir.“
Bingley, „Yes! Bier, yes!“
Darcy, „So, it‘s the same word in German as in English, and still you couldn‘t get it right, Bingley? Can we please go back to the hotel now?“
Liesl, *to Hanni* „No, i glaub‘, der will koa Bier net trink‘n.“
Bingley, „Yes! Bier, yes, for alle, yes?“
Hanni, *to Liesl* „Oh, geh‘ ma alle z‘samma a Bier trink‘n, ja? Oh, bitt‘ schön, Liesl, bloaß oans!“
Liesl, *to Hanni* „Aber wirkli‘ bloaß oans – i mog net den goanzn Tog mit dies‘m Lackl dem z‘widren aufananda hock‘n!“
Caroline *chuckles*
Louisa, „What? What did she say?“
Caroline, „I think they agreed to have a beer with us.“
Liesl, *eyes Caroline warily*
Darcy, „Oh, please, no! I told you, first they ask you for a beer, then another one, and in the end, they drink your wallet empty and you wake up in Munich‘s sleaziest hotel, missing your watch and your cufflinks, but having acquired a lovely VD and, perhaps, an illegitimate son called Hermann!“
Bingley, „Are you speaking from experience, Darcy?“
Darcy, *hotly* „No, of course I‘m not!“
Caroline, „Who wears cufflinks to the Oktoberfest anyway?“
Bingley, „Yeah, I wouldn‘t even know where to put them on this -“
Darcy, „That is because you are wearing a woman‘s frock, Charles!“
Liesl *whispers into Hanni‘s ear again*
Hanni *fingering Bingley‘s apron* „Des is a fesches Dirndl!“
Bingley, „Yes! Yes, let‘s fetch some beer!“
Everyone *with much pointing and miming settle at a free table in a beer tent*
Liesl, *negotiates with a waitress and orders 6 beers*
Waitress, „Zohlts ihr zsamma od‘r g‘trennt?“
Bingley, „Eh – ich werde zahlen for den Bären alle!“
Waitress, „Des san dann 50 Euros glatt, bitt‘ schön!“
Hanni, *whispers* „Liesl, des san hundert Mark – mia könn‘ eahn doch net hundert Mark für des Bier zoahln lass‘n!“
Liesl, *whispers* „Ah, geh, Hanni, der schaut scho as, ols ob er des verkraft‘n tät.“
Bingley, *rummaging in his wallet* „So, this is, err, a ten, and that -?“
Caroline, „Twenty, Charles. Look at the little numbers.“
Bingley, *whispers* „Darcy, I say, could you help me out with some money? I think she said fifty just now, and I don‘t think I have fifty -“
Darcy *groans* „I won‘t say I told you, Charles, but, I told you -“
Darcy, *opens his wallet, pulls out a fifty and hands it to the waitress*
Waitress *disappears*
Hanni *catches a glimpse of Darcy‘s wallet, gasps and points*
Darcy, „What? Have you never seen that much money? Or real ostrich leather?“
Hanni, „Des Bild! Liesl, des Bild!“
Liesl, „A Bild?“
Hanni, „Des Bild! Er hoat a Bild -“
Louisa, „What was billed?“
Caroline, „I think Darcy has a picture in his wallet of something that interests them.“
Darcy, *flips open his wallet, sees the picture in question and hastily tries to remove it* „Don‘t know how it got here – must have got here by accident – not mine -“
Bingley, „Darcy – why do you have a picture of a fat blond boy in Lederhosen in your wallet?“
Liesl, *sees the picture, gasps* „Des is jo – des is jo -“
Darcy, „This is nothing. Nothing. Verstehen? Nothing. Nicht. Kein. Verstehen?“
Caroline, „Darcy, who is that fat kid?“
Darcy, *mumbles* „Thisismysonokay? Noneedforthemtoknow.“
Liesl, „Hanni!“
Hanni, „Liesl!“
Liesl, „Hanni, i gloab, er is -“
Hanni, „Naa, Liesl, des is an Irrtum-“
Liesl, „Schmarrn, Hanni. Des is koa Irrtum! Des is der narrische Lackl, wo d‘r Voater vom Hermann dem Schinken is!“
Caroline *bursts out laughing*
Darcy, „What? What? Why are you laughing?“
Caroline, „Apparently, you have fathered a boy called Hermann the Ham!“
Darcy *chokes on his beer*
Liesl, „You understand German?“
Darcy *to Liesl* „You speak English?“
Liesl, „You are the father of Hermann the Ham?“
Bingley, „What?“
Louisa, „What?“
Another waitress *approaches them* „Geh, schau, Hanni, Liesl, servus, was machts ihr denn -“
Liesl, „Grüß‘ Gott, Lydia!“
Darcy, *spins around, sees Lydia* „F-f-fräulein Bentmann – this is – I mean – eh -“
Lydia, „Ah, geh, William, servus! Brachst do net so förmlich tun! Und oaßerdem hoaß i do eh jetzt Lydia Schinkeschlecht.“
Darcy, „Eh -“
Lydia *turns around, shouts* „Hermann! Kimm zu dem Papa! Loaf!“
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