The Caroline Bingley Diaries. Part One.

[the_shrubbery]

September 29th:

Charles apparently has rented a house in the country. Knowing Charles, have to confess was quite alarmed house might be sort of farm, with naïve blonde farm girls all around, but seems to be quiet nice mansion, not as grand as Pemberley, but tolerable enough, I suppose. Charles expects me to keep house, so will probably move to country soon. Must confess am quite sorry to leave London, esp. dear Louisa & of course Mr Darcy, but am quite relieved not to see Mr Hurst for the time being (remember now: have again forgot to ask Louisa what his first name is. Am sure I must have heard it in church, when the awful event, I mean, the wedding took place, but cannot remember.) Country house also means will not have to spend hour after hour with Georgiana Darcy. Am sure she is sweet girl but turning pages for hours when she plays the piano can be very annoying & it is very difficult to be in raptures when one is tired and has aching hand (from turning pages). Wish Georgiana would talk, would make meetings with her more easy. Also, while spent approximately 150 hours in Georgiana’s company this month, Mr Darcy was only present in 20 of them. Seems waste of time.


October 12th :

Have arrived in country house, place called Netherfield in Hertfordshire. To great delight, Charles invited Mr D. & dear Louisa to stay. Unfortunately, Mr Hurst also to accompany us. Still, am convinced stay in quiet country house with nothing to do but shoot stupid birds & play cards with Mr H. will deepen relationship between me & Mr Darcy. Louisa of the same opinion. We are all to attend some country-dance where we are to meet local beauties as Charles promised. If beauties are really as beautiful as Charles says, must have an eye on Mr Darcy & prevent him meeting them. Charles has never seen beauties though, so might all turn out alright. Today told Mr D. for fifteen minutes how much admire Georgiana, am sure he was very much delighted. Maybe will have Christmas wedding after all this year. (must make sure to lock Mr H. in attic or somewhere before ceremony).


October 16th:
Attended country dancing. Locals really clowns. Met beauties. Should rather say, “so-called beauties.” Turns out beauties all part of one family. Could not believe, but family really consisted of five daughters, dim-witted mother & freaky father. Eldest daughter (called Jane) rather pleasant (pretty, and not at all Mr Darcy‘s type, nice manners), will make nice companion for Charles until we return to London & keep him away from farmers’ daughters (though must make sure freaky father is not, after all, farmer. Would spoil whole plan). Charles seemed attracted to Jane, Mr D. ignorant. Second daughter rather plain, but in comparison to rest of family well behaved. Might make companion for self while Charles busy with Jane and Louisa & H. busy with cards. Could show Mr D. how pleasant a companion I am. Rest of family total nightmare. Mother really dim-witted, one daughter ugly, rest of them flirting babies. On a more pleasant note, danced with Mr D. Mr D. ignorant of so-called beauties, danced only with Louisa & self. Made comment about plain daughter, and dim-wittedness of mother. Seems Mr D. and I agree about everything. Must say I looked rather pleasing today. Had urges to wear orange again, but bravely resisted. Must not hasten things.


October 21st:

Had freaky family (though not father) over for morning visit. Maniacal mother obviously into Jane-Charles-wedding. Am sure neither Charles nor Jane really serious. Charles, after all, in love every other month. Still, should keep eye on them just in case. Must have Charles marry Georgiana as soon as she speaks more than once a day. Plain daughter (found out name is Elizabeth) obviously not interested in Mr Darcy, though heard about his wealth (very pleasing information). Still, a bit annoying, thinks herself a wit. Though, of course, not as annoying as maniacal mother & flirting babies. Ugly daughter luckily not hysterical, but into sermons, which nobody pays attention to. Spent 20 minutes of very pleasing conversation with Mr D. Found out all of his opinions on weather, will make sure to remember them. Praised Georgiana for 5 minutes. (only think, could have double wedding with Charles & Georgiana next spring. Should have to give up on Christmas wedding, though.) Still have not found out Mr H.’s first name. Tried to ask butler, but failed. Butler seemed to think was interested in a lock of Mr D.’s hair and recommended asking his valet. Well, might do that. Could not hurt.


October 25th:

Had to spend evening with locals again. Freaky family, of course, also attending (just my luck!). Ugly daughter tried to play piano & sing. Real nightmare. Told Mr D. how much superior Georgiana’s performance is. Did not even have to lie. Had to resist urge to poison flirting babies & maniacal mother. Charles still paying attention to Jane (have made sure freaky father is not farmer, but possessing some kind of house, called Longbourn. No money, though, so obviously no match for Charles - apart from him having to marry Georgiana anyway). Could not resist urge, had to wear wonderful orange gown, looked really pleasing & fashionable. Mr D. did not seem to notice, though, but probably he was just being shy. Plain sister was wearing white frock, really not becoming. The man without a first name is more and more annoying me. Suggested we all play cards the whole evening. I wonder if I can poison his wine?


October 27th:

Had terrible fit of urges today & was wearing orange the whole day. Must say, orange morning dress really becoming, and also orange gloves (had to spend evening with locals again). Mr Darcy, strangely, still oblivious to orange-ity of self. Sometimes wonder whether Georgiana was really serious when she was telling me orange was his favourite colour? She speaks only once a day, so she really should not waste that period of time with lies. And must not forget the two of us are best of friends, so surely she would not lie to me. Wonder if I will have to have her around when living permanently in Pemberley. Wanted to ask Louisa what is her husband’s first name, but did not know whether she knows; did not want to create embarrassing situation.



October 30th:

I wish Mr Darcy would propose soon. Does he realise it is less than two months until Christmas? Men certainly are not aware of the amount of work that organizing one’s wedding is. Luckily, have already written to Mrs Taylor in London, lovely dresses (all in orange) will be ready within two weeks after I inform them, also carriage-makers really delighted to provide new carriages for us. (I must have more carriages than that vulture - I mean, Lady Catherine.) Had to spend yet another evening with locals. Conversations just get more and more hysterical. Tried to speak with plain sister about the benefits of London (Mr Darcy sitting close to us & obviously delighted that I could speak so eloquently about it), turned out freaky family has relations in Cheapside, where they stay when they are in town. Will have to point this out to Charles, just to make sure he does not do anything rash regarding Jane. Ugly sister insisted on singing again, ears are still aching, also from cries of hysterical mother. Wonder whether Mr D. knows H.’s first name. Will not ask him, though, do not want to convey idea that am interested in no-first name. Could ask Mr D.’s valet, though.


November 3rd :

Wonder whether there are snowstorms in Hertfordshire that make visiting each other impossible. Am sure could not wish for anything else but being locked in this house with dear Louisa & Charles & Mr D. Would have to make sure to lock Mr H. in the attic, though. Before going to rural meeting, wanted to ask Mr D.’s valet about H.’s first name. Was misunderstood, though, and now have curl from Mr D.’s head. Not bad at all. Wonder whether I should frame it, or make a ring out of it. Rural meeting total nightmare, and was not even wearing orange for consolation. Really tried my best to smile at comments of plain sister (Mr Darcy being nearby, wanted to convey idea of being in good humour), but plain sister conversing about boring books with very plain friend of hers was very frustrating, almost felt like turning pages for Georgiana. Must remember to write lovely letter to Georgiana tomorrow, telling how much I miss her. Am sure will receive boring report about new piano plays from her, but will tell Mr D. am all in raptures about her letter. Spent 15 minutes today telling Mr D. how much I admire his sister. I wonder whether I will have to call first-born son “Fitzwilliam.” Ugly name, really.



November 11th:

Mr Darcy today made very alarming comment about fine-ness of eyes of plain sister. Was really shocked at first, then realised he was trying to make me jealous. No one in their right minds could call plain sister anything but plain. Made jokes about supposed marriage between him & plain girl, really had a good time. I feel we are agreeing on everything. Am sure to receive proposal this week, still in time for Christmas wedding. Could be mistress of Pemberley by New Year. Rest of evening total catastrophe, though. Had to visit family of plain girl’s very plain friend. Flirting babies all into officers that seem to have come from nowhere, now all of the so-called town is full of them. Ugly sister into playing “serious music” (the thing Georgiana plays) but was stopped by flirting babies who wanted to do some hopping around with officers. Overheard Mr D. asking plain sister to dance, must certainly keep an eye on her. Not his fault, certainly, apparently she lured him into it. Though plain, she becomes more and more annoying. Wonder whether she has any plans for him?


November 12th:

Decided to have Jane over for the day. Want to find out more about plain sister’s ambitions, also must make sure Jane not luring Charles into anything. Him spending so much time with her more and more alarming, cannot risk her making him promise anything. Really like her, though, so wish there was not thing with Charles, she seems to be only local one can talk to. Went all pretty well, managed to extract lots of freaky information about freaky family out of her. Louisa & I quite alarmed about low-ness of family. Unfortunately, had to have Jane stay the night, as she had come on horseback & there was lots of rain. Still, Jane complained about headache & retired early, spent lovely evening with Louisa discussing merits of Pemberley. Louisa says I certainly have right to place Georgiana somewhere else as soon as I live there, nobody can be forced to spend every day with her. Then realised that when am Mrs Darcy, Georgiana will be Mrs Bingley, so nothing to worry there.


November 13th:

Today really was not a good day. Turned out Jane had caught some sort of cold (apparently maniacal mother had sent her riding through the rain) & was not well. Seems to be maniacal mother’s latest step in getting Jane married. Must make sure Charles not to visit sick-chamber. Will point out impropriety of situation. Though, on second thoughts, Jane really not looking good at the moment, red nose & feverish eyes (am really pitying her, knowing how dreadful such a cold can be). Still, might wake pity within Charles, which could lead to unwanted declaration of feelings he certainly has not. Better to warn him on impropriety of situation. Still, at that point of time had everything under control. Had sent for apothecary & made sure that Jane wrote letter to freaky family assuring them she was alright. Really thought there was no reason that freaky family should come & visit (unfortunately, rain had stopped, so could not rely on weather). Turns out I was wrong. Shortly after apothecary, plain sister arrived. Looked just as plain as ever, & dirtier than usual. Made sure to point out fact that petticoat was full of mud to Mr D., just in case. Also managed to mention Georgiana in conversation, so am really pleased. Unfortunately, had to invite plain girl to stay. Must now make sure she does not come near Mr D. the whole day. Mr D. obviously still trying to make me jealous, commenting about her eyes again. Still, with Jane & plain girl around, environment not at all proposal-friendly. Probably have to wait for marriage until January. Situation could have been worse though, maniacal mother might have come & would probably have locked Charles into sick-chamber until situation compromising enough. Happily, plain girl spends most of her time in the sick-chamber, so no danger of her luring Mr D. into something there. Still, very annoying discussion between her & Mr D. today, Mr D. obviously totally unaware of her plans & thinking only of me, describing the perfect woman. Had to prevent Charles from inquiring after Jane too much, not appropriate at all & would give plain girl the wrong ideas. Mr H. also very annoying, wants to talk only about food & cards. Feel really tired today.


November 14th:

Having guests really is not as easy as sometimes thought. Today even worse day than yesterday. Politely inquired after Jane’s health (really feel sorry for her. Very hard to have freaky family & terrible cold. Still, cannot have her marry Charles), and approved of plain girl’s plan to send for apothecary, only to find out that plain girl wanted to send for maniacal mother as well. Maniacal mother turned up, accompanied by rest of freaky family, except freaky father & insisted upon Jane’s staying. Stupid apothecary in favour of maniacal mother’s plans. Afterwards, spent really awful time with freaky family & Charles & Mr D. Am now convinced plain girl has some devilish plans. Obviously wants to befriend Charles & Mr D. Poor Mr D. totally unaware of her sinister ideas, and non-existing charms, still, must pay attention. Cannot expect to be proposed to when plain girl & freaky family all around. Flirting babies managed to convince Charles to have ball in Netherfield. Am not sure what to think about that. Obviously, ball provides very romantic, proposal-friendly atmosphere, but freaky family & other locals would have to be invited. Ugly sister preaching sermons again, & maniacal mother obviously already ordering Jane’s wedding clothes. Really hope Jane manages to find some clerk to marry soon. Cannot have her marry Charles, obviously, but really wish her to be able to leave freaky family. For the rest of the day, plain girl just got more and more annoying. Had most pleasing talk to Mr D. about how much I admire Georgiana, but plain girl interrupted us by flirting with poor Charles. Mr D. of course totally unaware of her sinister plans & politely tried to make conversation, though am sure he had rather talked to me about letter he was just writing to Georgiana. Really seemed to appreciate my ideas. Also, he specially asked me to play the piano & was delighted at my performance. Am now quite sure shall be married in January. Am also convinced Mr D. all for double wedding. Cannot expect proposal while plain girl is still around, though. Must make sure she leaves soon. Do pity poor Jane, however. Today asked my abigail what she thought Mr H.’s first name was, but she could not tell. Spent five minutes abusing Mr H. together with abigail, though normally do not talk to her. Wondered whether I can poison plain girl & H. together. Am quite sure Louisa would prefer being a widow. Decided better to poison Mr H. after am married, really could not marry when in mourning, so had to delay plan. Also wonder whom Louisa should marry afterwards, as Mr D. obviously not available.


November 16th:

Plain girl & Jane to leave tomorrow, at last. Would have preferred them to go today, but felt pity for poor Jane, having to return to freaky family. Must confess, almost perceived danger in plain girl yesterday, so made sure (during conversation) that she know how intimate Mr D. & I am. Plain girl obviously found it amusing to find faults in Mr D., naturally, was not successful. Also, made sure to walk together with plain girl, so Mr D. would notice who looked better. Earlier, pointed out plain-ness of plain girl, and low-ness of her connections to Mr D. Noticed Mr D. still trying to make me jealous, so made ridiculous remarks about his marrying plain girl. All this talk about marriage, however, did not inspire him to proposal, but could not really expect proposal while freaky family around. Today, Mr D. again totally oblivious to plain girl & not talking to her & making remarks about her, so am quite sure now plain girl knows her sinister plans have failed. Am quite relieved, otherwise would have had to write to the vulture and inform her about the danger her nephew is in. Am convinced the vulture wants Mr D. to marry her dumb daughter.


November 19th:

Had the urges again today & wore orange morning dress. Looked really becoming. Really feel much better now that plain girl & Jane have left. Am still a bit worried about Charles, though. Obviously, poor Jane’s illness induced him to think he is in love with her. Must make sure to mention Georgiana frequently, both to Mr D. & Charles, just in case. Do not think Charles will propose, however, as Mr Darcy would be totally against it. He & I always seem to be of the same opinion. Still, should not take things too lightly. Mr D. & Charles rode to freaky family today to inquire after Jane’s health. On a more pleasant note, Mr D. seems to have seen an old enemy of his in company of the plain girl. Obviously, plain girl now in love with enemy & not pursuing sinister plans anymore. Have only Charles’ report on this, though, so should not be too sure. Am not sure why exactly Mr Wickham (that seems to be the enemy’s name) is Mr D.’s enemy, but he seems to be the son of a servant, & any enemy of Mr D. must be my enemy anyway. Wonder whether, when proposed to (which could happen any day now), have to be married from Netherfield. Would prefer marrying in London, but would have to ask Georgiana to be bridesmaid.


November 21st:

Had to visit freaky family today & hand out invitations for Charles’ ball. Took Louisa with me, unfortunately, Charles insisted on coming also & visiting Jane. Freaky family now has addition of creepy cousin, pompous rector of the vulture’s parish. Was really sorry to see poor Jane with freaky family, assured her of my missing her (though would prefer her not seeing Charles so often. Am sure she has no evil designs, but rest of freaky family surely has.). Creepy cousin obviously intends to propose to plain girl, could not be more pleased. Was really glad when was able to leave again, though sorry for poor Jane. Really hope she meets a decent clerk to marry soon. Tried to ask Louisa’s abigail and Charles’ valet, what Mr H.’s first name was, but ended up with two more curls of Mr Darcy’s hair. Now have a total of three curls of Mr Darcy’s hair. Wonder what to do with them, except frame. Must look for orange frame when in London next time. Though, when in London, will probably have to spend whole day turning pages for Georgiana. Mentioned how much I look forward to meeting Georgiana thrice to Mr D.


November 26th:

Luckily, rain the whole weekend, so no visits from freaky family & creepy cousin. Today, day of ball. Am now really alarmed & will have to make sure Charles does not see more of Jane. Also, must make sure Mr D. not to talk to plain girl anymore. Plain girl even lured him into dancing, though has already two admirers, namely, creepy cousin & enemy. Even mentioned low-ness and despicability of enemy to her, but still she seemed to be determined. Well, I only meant to be nice. Do not really know why, even. Surely would not mind her marrying enemy, but was thinking about poor Jane. Really could not meet her if enemy of my husband was her brother. Freaky family even more freaky than usual. Flirting babies obviously drunk, maniacal mother seems already to have ordered wedding clothes for Jane & plain girl (still seems to think Charles to marry Jane) & frenzy father behaving totally clownish & showing no manners at all. Must admit plain girl tried to behave well, but cannot forgive her for luring Mr D. into dancing. Am quite depressed. Lots of preparations for stupid ball & all went rather well, but could not enjoy it after observed sinister plans of freaky family. Creepy cousin even dared to address poor Mr D. & speak to him about the vulture. Obviously creepy cousin fancies the vulture more than the plain girl. Wonder whether he knows about the vulture’s sinister plans for poor Mr D. & dumb daughter. Charles to ride to London tomorrow, must make sure he does not return to Netherfield.


November 27th:

Had discussion with Louisa & Mr D. today. Resolved to go to London immediately. Both Mr D. & I of the same opinion as regards freaky family & dangers for poor Charles. Am really convinced now will receive proposal before Christmas, Mr D. & self always getting along so well. Felt sorry to leave poor Jane with freaky family & wrote compassionate letter & told her how much would like to see her in town. Also told her about Charles marrying Georgiana, in case maniacal mother reads letter & plans to send her to London. Must make sure that Charles does not see Jane should she come to London. Am quite looking forward to being in town again, but realise will have to turn pages again. Really must hasten Georgiana wedding Charles. Wonder whether I can leave H in Netherfield, could lock him up in the attics somewhere. On a more pleasant note, can buy more orange dresses when in London, also must make new arrangements with Mrs Taylor about wedding clothes & with carriage-makers. Am sure shall be married in January.