The Caroline Bingley Diaries - Part Five

[the_shrubbery]

February 12th:

Feeling of complete rebirth continues. Was woken rather suddenly though this morning by L shouting in the corridors. First thought she was murdering H at last but unfortunately, when came downstairs, the man was very much alive. Was very surprised to see him at breakfast. Had I known before, would have asked cook to spike his muffins with belladonna. On the other hand H did not even appreciate goodness that muffins are & only munched on dry toast. Did not look too healthy now I think of it & maybe has nasty disease? Only hope I did not catch it as have quite a lot of plans for rest of month. (NB: Must have abigail return book on tea to lending library. Very fascinating topic. Also did not know there was connection to emancipation of American colonies. Must have abigail bring further books about history of Massachusetts Bay Company.)

Tried to ask L about unusual behaviour later on but L had locked herself into her room & did not want to come out. Felt not inclined to spend all day indoors so went to see G instead.

February 14th:

Was kept awake for most of the night by mysterious noise coming from attic. Could swear I heard raucous, drunken singing at one point but when I asked L about it at breakfast she said I was mistaken & wondered if I was losing my mind.

Decided to go out again as L behaving very abnormally & positively unfriendly towards me. Abigail adjusted my hair to fit under hat (NB: must ask Mrs Duckie to recommend new milliner not associated with Mrs T) and told me she had heard nightly noise too so am most definitely not going mad.

Was too early to make visits yet so instead asked abigail to accompany me to lending library. Most fascinating place. Could have taken all books at once but did not want to make abigail carry all. Settled on book about history of the colonies & novel promising to be full of pirate kidnappers. Never thought reading could be that much fun.

Upon leaving library, was greeted by most heavenly smell. Discovered cosy little bakery nearby & spontaneously treated abigail & self to apple pie. Had much fun abusing H together. Decided to spend afternoon at Charles‘ house. C not home as usual but housekeeper had just made muffins. Sat in the study all afternoon reading about Raleigh.

February 15th:

L can say what she wants, but am definitely not losing my mind & definitely heard something in the attic again. Wonder if I should move in with C. L positively rude today & abigail & I left house early again. Decided to visit Westminster Abbey as neither of us had ever seen it before. Very intriguing place. Sir Isaac‘s tomb rather impressive. (NB: must find out why exactly he is famous.)

Ran into G & her PG in the Abbey. G told me they had just left her brother at the Houses of Parliament where he wanted to observe the debate. Told G would love to observe debate but impossible now they have closed ladies‘ gallery. The PG impolitely listened in & said he could arrange for me to go. Do not believe him.

Arranged with G to meet at St Paul‘s Cathedral tomorrow.

February 16th:

Realise only now, was not even disappointed yesterday that had missed Mr D. Very weird. Maybe am losing mind after all as L suggested again this morning. Know though what I have heard & there definitely was someone singing in the attic & also heard people running up & down the stairs. Have decided to ask abigail to spend nights in my room as do not wish to be alone & also think she might prefer being further away from source of mysterious noise.

Coming back to former subject however am much concerned about state of own mind. Atmosphere in WA definitely proposal-friendly what with it being church & all but did not even once envision self signing parish registry as C--- D---.

Must rush now as am meeting G at St Paul’s in half an hour.

February 17th:

During the night, abigail & I were almost convinced singing voice was Louisa but now am sure I was mistaken. There is no reason L would go to the attic to sing & at such an ungodly hour. Also abigail explained meaning of certain phrases that were sung & am quite sure L would never sing that.

Spent most interesting morning at St Paul’s with G & unfortunately also her PG yesterday. Was reconciled to the Peculiar Guardian’s presence however when he explained all about fire of 1666. The PG then treated us to scones & tea at a nearby bakery. Really best scones have ever eaten, had sort of milk & sugar glazing.

Went to the library afterwards & got biography of Sir Christopher Wren.

February 18th:

Am not sure can stay at house of lui-sans-nom much longer. There definitely is something going on & L cannot convince me I am going mad.

Went over to Charles’ house early in the morning in the hope of not being found there by anybody. Wanted to finish book about Wren & pirate novel. Housekeeper very friendly & made scones just for me. Had very good morning.

Just as the innocent Athalia was discovered gagged & shackled to a bedpost in Lord Burkham’s secret hunting lodge, however, someone knocked on the door and the annoying PG was announced. Told me he knew he would find me here & gave me a parcel he had brought. Opened it & found assortment of vile-looking men’s clothes. Asked him to explain the joke & he said they were for me in order to allow me to visit Parliament incognito.

Asked the PG how he thought the vile things would fit me. He said they were his & as we are same height, should fit me as well. Asked the PG if he really thought would wear such unflattering garb. He said he had seen me in the black monstrosity so his breeches definite improvement. Could not fault his logic there so decided to cut discussion short & went upstairs & changed into vile things. Think striped waistcoat flatters my face.

Cannot continue now, promised the PG would only need quarter of an hour.


February 19th:

Had most amazing day yesterday even though can scarcely believe it myself. Cannot believe PG really took me to the HOP. Really nice of him. First we had tea at Mrs Miggins’ teashop, or so it was called I think. Had really good cupcakes & scones & jam. Then went to the gallery and saw debate about taxes. Could hardly breathe with excitement & because of several layers of bandages around chest. Debate most heated. Lasted several hours & not boring once. Do not know why PG did not think it exciting but then he can go every day. Still think though he should not have fallen asleep when the PM addressed the house as argument was rather fascinating. When we left, was already night. Asked the PG to take me to a public house afterwards but he said Charles would not let him live if he heard about it. Did not want to return to Hurst House as strange things happen there after dark so PG brought me to Charles’ place. Charles still out though so had housekeeper bring me cold supper then went to bed.

Col & Mrs F---

General Sir ---- and Lady F---

The Marquess & Marchioness F--- of ----

C--- F---, Duchess of ----

C--- F---


February 21st:

Is so much nicer at Charles’ house. Had box of clothes & box & abigail sent over yesterday & am settling in nicely. Housekeeper very friendly & abigail in tears with joy at leaving Hurst House. Think should call on G soon & maybe propose another expedition only do not know more famous churches. Perhaps interesting exhibition somewhere. Realise have not called on Fanny in long time, probably should do so.

February 22nd:

Really meant to go out & call on F today but it looked like it was going to rain & did not want to ruin pretty new gown (NB: must visit Mrs Duckie soon & order more.) Stayed indoors instead & read book about churches in London & their history. Did not know there were so many of them.

Wonder if C has ever even set foot in his library since he inherited house from Uncle Algy. Suppose he has not. Library really excellent collection, do not know why C always says he has no books.

Have still not seen C even though have been here for almost a week now. Wonder where he is. Housekeeper tells me he sometimes does not come home at nights but there must be more to it. Wonder if I should ask the PG if he knows.

February 24th:

Rain continues, most depressing. Have stayed indoors and read. Did not realise English did not always sound like English but now am reading three-hundred-year-old book about Arthurian legend & sounds very different from real English.

Am almost sure heard Charles returning late last night; certainly no one else would sing ‘Mrs Bunny’s Lament’ on top of his voice especially seeing as Charles & I made that up. When I got up this morning however he was already gone & nobody wanted to talk about him. Housekeeper pressed curl of hair of unknown origin into my hand; wonder where I put box with hair.

Really think Louisa could have called on me by now seeing as she has not seen me for a week but she does not seem to care & no one else has called either. Had note from G though saying her brother forbade her to go out alone & her PG unable to come with her. Very weird business all of it.

February 25th:

For some reason cannot get Mrs Bunny’s Lament out of my head. Visited G today as rain had ceased. Had very good time, talked about future expeditions & had lovely raspberry jam & scones. Unfortunately the PG was there too & most embarrassing business as the PG caught self singing about poor bunny for whom days will never be sunny so had to explain to him about Mrs Bunny’s Lament & Charles singing it. The PG only made some weird grimaces when I told him about Charles & said he had thought it was something like this.

Am not quite sure he believes me. Probably thinks am total moron.

Went to F. afterwards determined to renew friendship but F. very much out of spirits & rather unfriendly altogether. Did not stay long as felt unwelcome. Probably hummed Mrs Bunny’s Lament to self as well.

Charles gone when returned home, as usual, so had fire stoked in library and retired with Morte Darthur & book explaining about changes in English language.

February 26th:

Abigail & I went to Hurst House this morning to retrieve more of my things. Tried to talk to Louisa but she had butler tell me she was not there even though am sure saw her peeking out from behind curtains. Do not know what is the matter with her.

Went back to Charles’ - who was still asleep, or so housekeeper tells me – and sorted through trunks. Several items inexplicably missing, especially those of rather delicate nature.

Decided to go out & take G shopping. Unfortunately the PG decided to come with us. I bought new stack of delicates & fabric for two new dresses from merchant Emma recommended. Am amazed at quality of delicates at such reasonable price. The PG asked what I bought but did not show him even though we have shared breeches before; would not be same thing. G bought green fabric for dress & several ribbons. We arranged for appointment at Mrs Duckie’s in two days then had shopping sent home & went book-shopping with the PG. Still felt needed to compensate for theft of unspeakables & Louisa’s silence & am afraid bought too many books but the PG recommended so many & also had to find out what happened to the lovely Athalia in the next volume & library did not have it yet. Simply must know what it is that the butler saw in Graf Haubenstein’s trunk that scared him so.

Asked G and the PG for informal dinner to Charles’ house afterwards & spent pleasant evening conversing about Arthur Pendragon until Charles suddenly came home. Looked very different from when had last seen him. Do not think beard suits him. Charles entered dining room & started reciting ‘Of the Unfortunate Demise of Mr Bunny.’ Thought I should die but G & the PG kindly acted as if nothing had happened even after Charles had passed out.

February 27th:

Wonder if He Without The First Name stole my unmentionables. Surely he would not but do not think there is other explanation. Wonder if & how should mention the matter to the PG.

February 28th:

Surely cannot mention matter to the PG. To begin with, would not even know how to describe missing items in polite society.

Will go to L tomorrow & try to find out where they went. Maybe just mistake after all. Also need book from the library that I remember was there; is about the proposed origins of European languages. Do not see why I should not have every right to get it; is my father’s house & my father’s library after all & Hurst having renamed it does not change a thing about that.

Also must find out if third volume of The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia is already available. Simply must find out who Lord Paddenstool’s twin brother is & also what is importance of locket Athalia’s guardian gave her before his death? Cannot believe the Merciless Pirate actually was Athalia’s sister; was convinced Theodora had perished in the fire. Realise now though that that makes Sir Ganymede’s marriage to Pulchinella invalid & that must mean Athalia will inherit North Cotherston Hall.

March 1st:

Very stilted conversation with L who denied any knowledge of whereabouts of stolen unmentionables & also did not want to talk about books that were missing. Looked very strange too. If I did not know better, would say she had paint on her face. Meant to talk to L about whether I should come back to HH or stay at Charles’ but L said she could not say & maybe they would go to Somerset soon to visit friend she mentioned before Christmas. Had all but forgot about Somerset trip; not sure if I am still invited. Did not want to quarrel with L so said not much and instead went to G afterwards & told her most of recent disagreements with L apart from the more unsettling bits & the unspeakables.

Darcy then came home & G told him about the books I was looking for & Darcy looked very astonished & then disappeared & reappeared with several books about language theories & The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia Vol. III.

Had almost left Darcy House again when Darcy stopped me in the corridor & asked me not to let G have book & not to trust Cpt. Van Swanck even if he pretended to be Athalia’s father.

Evil spoilsport.