The Caroline Bingley Diaries - Part Ten

[the_shrubbery]

June 10th:

Greatest Women in English History:

Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn

Suppose that would change a couple of things, if he were looking for respect and equality in a marriage partner, but what if he thinks I’m having a head full of vapours? When he first met me I was still trying to marry D (horrid thought) & I must have been such an idiot what with the burning carpet & the orange dresses & the stupid feathers and …

Wait what am I saying here, this is not what I meant and …

Must take walk.

June 12th:

Greatest Women in English History:

Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn

Am officially the greatest fool ever.

How could I have been so blind again?

Of course I love him & I don’t want him to be my friend but want to marry him & have wanted it ever since he took me to the HoP & I just didn’t realise & now it’s too late because he’s gone & won’t come back & I don’t even want to eat scones anymore & of course he’s like Count Haubenstein because he probably wrote that book & that is why he knows what’s going to happen & what on earth am I supposed to do now.

June 13th:

Greatest Women in English History:

Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn

Gravity. That is what Newton is famous for & I suppose everyone but me learnt that when they were a child.

June 14th:

Greatest Women in English History:

Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn

Very curious incident today. Had a packet delivered which apparently had been sent somewhere else first & was re-directed. Did not go through the postal services because I did not have to pay for it so who knows how it reached me. Was from a book-dealer in Bath & contained a volume on the Romans in Britain.

Must have been L who had it sent probably to make up for not giving me my money back but why did she not just send the money & why did she order in Bath?

Still no word from him but then why should I hear from him? Is not as if he could write to me & he is still out of town. Not that I would hear from him if he were in town, probably. Is not as if he were in any way beholden to me. Or I to him, come to think of it, which I suppose must count for something.

June 15th:

Greatest Women in English History:

Queen Elizabeth
Queen Anne
Queen Eleanor of Aquitaine
Queen Matilda
St Hilda of Whitby
Queen Catherine Parr
Queen Elizabeth Wydeville
Queen Elizabeth of York
Aphra Behn
Queen Boadicea

Book cannot have been sent by L. Found note slipped between the pages of a chapter dealing with a Celtish queen called Boadicea (it appears she is the tenth Great Woman) which said, You will always be quite your own woman to me and forever my heart’s Boadicea. Paul.

Bookseller probably made mistake. Wonder if I should send book back? Seems to be v. interesting though & would like to finish it.

June 17th:

But it did have my name on it & address, if misspelled.

Would be nice to hear from him if only to know where he is & what he is doing. Wish I could ask someone. Or just talk to someone. If only L were behaving more like herself. Ended up writing to A & telling her of emotional turmoil. Is not the same as talking to her in person but then on the other hand will be spared her looks of pity when she finds out how stupid I was & how hopeless the whole thing is seeing as how he thinks of me as a friend.

June 18th:

Went to see G but did not dare mention the mysterious book so ended up talking about Newton. Am still rather fascinated by the whole concept of gravity. Wonder why it never occurred to me to think about it.

G still going on about her cousin & Count Haubenstein. Almost told her that I thought he had written the books but then did not want to mention his name for fear of giving things away. Also wonder if he did write those books why did he not make Haubenstein the hero?

Also will thinking of him ever hurt any less?

June 20th:

If it was not L sending the book that means she’s still not paying me back & if I do not get my money soon I really shall have to beg uncle Tiberius for an advance & I really do not want to do that.

Last summer he threatened if there was one more bill for orange frocks he would send me to convent in Ireland & I do not think he will be any nicer about bills from bookseller.

Still no word from him. Wonder if I shall ever gather the courage to ask G about him without telling her everything at once.

June 21st:

There was another book in the mail today & this time it was definitely not from L. Was Philosophiae Naturalis Principalis Mathematica. Do not understand a single word (NB: really should learn Latin) but it is very beautiful. Note inside it said, As bodies attract each other with a force inversely proportional to the distance between them, so have I been missing you a little more every day ever since I last saw you. Paul.

Would be perfect if only I knew who Paul was.

June 23rd:

D has found out about G reading The Woes of the Chaste Orphan Athalia. Apparently, G fell asleep in her drawing-room with the open book in her hands & D found her.

Thought D would be enraged & G tells me she was also rather afraid he would be angry but D only told her to remember that it was just a novel & not true to real life. Came there later that day & D took me aside & thanked me for being such a good friend to G. Must say feel rather flattered that he thinks so esp. considering how mean I was to G last year although am not sure he noticed that then.

G & D invited C & me to Pemberley in August. Cannot believe am really going to see it although slightly mortifying to remember that I once wanted to become its mistress. Wonder if he is going to be there.

Also when we planned trip to Pemberley last summer before G fell ill L & her brainless husband were going to come with us but have to accept that she does not want to have anything to do with me any more. Still hurts though.

June 24th:

Slim volume of poetry by Christopher Marlowe; was a sort of short epic poem called Hero & Leander. Note said, Had I first seen you sacrificing turtle’s blood, I could not have been more enchanted by you. Paul..

June 25th:

Will not deny that I have been fantasising that he is Paul, but one must be a realist. Odds do not seem very high to me for one to have the luck to be beloved by the man one loves and what are the chances that his name actually is Paul?

Had a long letter from A, much kinder than I deserve. Said she felt my pain & asked did I think it would hurt me more to know that I had had his love but had lost it, or to continue in an uncertainty where I could keep illusions. No idea what to answer esp. as I think A wants to hear something uplifting even if she does not say so, only do not know what she would like to hear.

June 26th:

Could of course ask G what her cousin’s first name is but would I do if she said it was Richard, or John, or Hugo, or, Heaven forbid, Mortimer?

Not to mention that I would not know how to breach the subject without her knowing what I really want.

Wonder if Paul thinks I know who he is, or if he knows he is a mystery to me. Does he expect me to react? Has he been certain all the time that I would know who he was, only I don’t, and been waiting for a reply from me? Would not know how to reply to him even if I knew what to say but maybe there is something obvious that I am overlooking & he thinks I know & some way or other I could have contacted him. Only I would only want to do that if it was him & I have no way of knowing if he his him because I am just completely clueless.

Could also of course be that books were never meant for me in the first place but that bookseller in Bath made a mistake. After all there must be more than one woman in London who would rather have books than some stupid flowers that only make her sneeze & there never was my name on any of the notes, just on the package & who knows who wrote that.

June 27th:

If he really were coming to Pemberley & I saw him there I might see how feels from the way he looks at me & also if he is Paul or not. Could also ask his valet what his first name is but most likely would only receive another curl of hair of mysterious origins so shall only do that if absolutely desperate.

But then do not even know for certain if he is going to be at Pemberley & what to do in the meantime about Paul & everything.

Courtship must be so much easier on men. At least they can decide when they want to take action & do not have to wait until something happens & then must make decisions based on insufficient number of facts that could decide about the rest of their lives.

June 28th:

Feel all sorts of restless & uninspired. If only there was something I could actually do but all scenarios I could think of involved telling G about my quandary or, even worse, D.

Felt horribly closed up in the house & ended up walking around with abigail not really having any idea where to go. Did not even feel in the mood for having a cupcake at Mrs Miggins’ which is all for the better since I must be economical until uncle Tiberius sees fit to send my allowance even though it was due on the 24th, L having still not paid me back.

No wonder C took up poetry & absinthe after that whole disappointment with Jane. Almost feel like having absinthe as well & I have not yet had my heart actually broken, not that it sometimes does not feel like it. Now that I know how he is feeling, at least a little, feel even worse about what we did to him.

June 29th:

It is not pretty any more, how much I miss him – why is someone at the door so late at night? Cannot be Charles having forgot his key again because he is at home. Maybe Paul has taken to visit in person because he got no reply – surely cannot be him, why would he call so late -